"DeLuise DeLights and Disasters" by RJ DeLuise

07/22/09

What's hotter than Chaotic Wrestling action in July? Me. Aside from my resounding Rudiger radiance, I also plan to highlight the DeLights and Disasters as we steadily approach Chaotic Wrestling's premier event of the summer, SUMMER CHAOS! Coming to you live from my Hamptons beach house, this is the 8th edition of the greatest column in Internet and print history: DeLuise DeLights and Disasters!

It's hurricane season in the Southeast of America. Here in the Northeast, Chase Del Monte - The Shore Stopper, The One Man Pity Party and current Chaotic Wrestling Heavyweight Champion - is about to take his gnarly surfboard of suck-i-tude out into dangerous waters against the Hall of Famer "Hurricane" John Walters. Walters eats party boys like Del Monte for brunch. With 47 years in the business, Walters is like Father Time in the Chaotic Wrestling locker room and hopefully the time of Del Monte, as Champion will pass like gas at a barbeque. What I am saying is, Del Monte = DeLuise Disastrousness and Walters = DeLuise DeLightfulosity.

RIGHT NOW is the time and the RIGHT MAN is Brian Milonas. Brian Milonas's whirlwind campaign for Chaotic Wrestling Heavyweight Champion has taken him to the farthest reaches of Billerica and Haverhill. One man, one dream, one cheeseburger with bacon, one onion ring, and one milkshake. One focus. One choice. When it comes time to choose your Chaotic Wrestling Champion, go with what you know you can think about maybe even trusting, go B.M. That's Brian Milonas. You certainly don't want the wrathful hand of chops coming down upon you by the Big Rick Machine, Big Rick Fuller, do you? Of course not. Play it safe, feed the rich, clothe the clothed, vote Brian Milonas for YOUR Heavyweight Champion! Your children's lives might just depend upon it. (Paid for by the committee to make Brian Milonas Chaotic Wrestling Heavyweight Champion - DeLuise DeLighted Division)

Brian Fury, the latest and greatest acquisition made by the Manager of Champions, Sean Gorman, to The Empire's crew has a huge challenge this month. Clean, mean, and more sober than Charlie Sheen, Mr. Fury has finally seen the light and joined a team that will make him captain. He faces off against the Enforcer, Max Bauer, at the Lowell PAV on July 24th. Ever since Fury turned his back on all of the low lives and losers he used to hang with, some of those losers got all ticked off with the Sultan of Sobriety. People like the self proclaimed Enforcer have always had a problem with the King of the Clean and Sober Cross Body. Well, Bauer will have his chance to attack the heart of the Empire when he squares off against the Empire's Elite and DeLuise DeLight, Brian Fury.

I refuse to address the current tag team title situation other than to say that I personally saw to it that the finest mechanic in NYC fixed the Blown-out tire on the Blowout-mobile (1987 IROC -Z) driven by Danny E.. There should now be nothing standing in the way of the former and greatest living Chaotic Wrestling Tag Team Champions, The Blowout Boys, (Danny E. and Antonio T.) from taking back their rightful positions from the Beantown Boy-band, The Logan Brothers, the Suckers from South Boston, Matty and Bry-guy. Hopefully the DeLights will be DeLuise on July 24th.

Finally, I can't help but talk about the manliest mechanic, Biff Busick, who, while running his daily 50-mile warm-up, came to the aid of a damsel in DeLuise Distress. He could have left her there or chopped her chest, like Big Rick Fuller would do, but instead, the Manliest Man, Biff Busick, took the time to make that chick's day, maybe even her life. That was one lucky broad. We will all be way less sissy-nancified when we meet Biff Busick in Chaotic Wrestling for the first time. Will it be on July 24th at the PAV? Skyrockets in flight, this could be a DeLuise DeLight.

I will now go back to floating in a million dollar Hamptons pool while you go back to your pathetic apartment and drool.

Until next time, may all your DeLights be DeLuise.

RJ DeLuise