"DeLuise DeLights and Disasters" by RJ DeLuise

02/11/10

Put down the shovel, walk away from the DVR, put on your 3-D glasses and get ready for the epic written event that will change the way you think about pro-wrestling online columns FOREVER! Welcome to the

"DeLuise DeLights and Disasters, Volumn 15, COLD FURY 9: The Never-ending Chase Edition featuring Biff Busick's manly message to Handsome Johnny"

brought to you live and in 3-D IMAX by me, R.J. DeLuise! Coming to you from the Big, Frozen Apple, NYC, here is the truth that chaoticwrestling.com is too weak and too scared to publish.

Let's start with the Main Event for COLD FURY 9. Brian Milonas went from man of the people to man with no equal during this last year as the "Kingpin" has DeLuise dismantled and DeLuise DeMolished nearly every combatant that he has faced. No longer seeking political contributions or kissing babies, Milonas has set his sites on finally ending the fist-pumping, man-tanning party hosted by the Heavyweight Champion Chase Del Monte and reclaiming for a second time the highest level of achievement in independent wrestling, the Chaotic Wrestling Heavyweight Championship. Milonas outlasted three Chaotic legends in a 4-Way Warfare match and earned this chance to face Chase one-on-one, no sideshows, no polling data, no tables, no security, just Chase and Milonas for the title. These two Chaotic veterans look to once again electrify the PAV in Lowell, MA when Chaotic Wrestling returns to its home for our biggest show of the year, COLD FURY 9, on Friday February 19th.

The Never-ending Chase also aptly applies to Chaotic's tag-team division. Matt and Bryan, the Logan Brothers, showed up out of nowhere at Breaking Point '09 and have held the Tag Team Championship belts ever since. The New Intellectual Properties have a plan; however, through an acquisition that brought Mike Nice to the Properties from Solomon's Mental Institute (home of Psycho). The trade involved Mike Nice physically assaulting his former Nice and Slow partner, Psycho, and then high-fiving the Intellectual Properties of Max Bauer and Tommaso Ciampa. Subsequently, The Nicest Wrestler Eva, Mike Nice agreed to take the place of the injured Ciampa at COLD FURY 9 alongside the "Enforcer" Max Bauer to face the unstoppable, seemingly unbeatable team of Matt and Bryan, the Logan Brothers with the Tag Team Titles on the line in Lowell. Don't miss the self-proclaimed, "high-flyin', hahhd hittin', tag team specialists": the Logan Brothers defend their coveted titles LIVE at COLD FURY 9: The Never-ending Chase.

DeLuise DeLight is in store for the six-man tag team match that features the Empire: Scott Reed, Brian Fury, and Sean Gorman (yes, Sean Gorman) vs. "The Greek Squad" of Elia Lateforlunchalos and Alex Arion and their partner, the American Sasuke, Mikaze. Sean Gorman, the Manager of Champions, originally declined this match-up when it was offered by the Golden Greek, Alex Arion, stating that he is clearly not a wrestler, rather, he is a wrestling manager (of champions). Arion then made a horrible accusation, suggesting that Gorman was only refusing to wrestle in this match because he was a... chicken... That clearly not being the case, the Manager of Champions accepted the six-man tag match on behalf of the Empire and now the match is set. It's the Greek Squad plus Mikaze vs. The Empire at COLD FURY 9 and you will not want to miss this guaranteed DeLuise DeLight.

Biff Busick, Chaotic Wrestling's Manliest Man, sent me a telegram through the Pony Express to discuss his thoughts on his upcoming match-up with Handsome Johnny at COLD FURY 9:

"To RJ: (stop) I am the Manliest Man in Chaotic Wrestling. (stop) I think Elegant is another word for sissy-nancy. (stop) Pretty Psycho? More like "Sissy-Nancy-O" (stop) This will be a Mantown Massacre. (stop) Hasbeen Johnny will regret ever returning to the squared circle against me at COLD MANLY 9. (stop) MAN (stop) LEE (stop) - BIFF (stop) BUSICK (stop)"

Buy your tickets now because they sell out in a hurry. You won't want to be left out of the COLD FURY 9!

Until next time, may all your DeLights be DeLuise,
RJ DeLuise