"The Power of Negative Thinking" by Sean Gorman

01/05/09

• "Me. You're not lying if you're telling the truth and the truth is no one has made more money or been more successful as a manager than I have."
            —Bobby Heenan when asked who he thought was the greatest manager of all time.

It's that time of year again. The temperature is dropping, people are shopping, and the suicide rate is rising. I'm not particularly pleased with any of those things, except for the suicide rate.

It's also the time of year when several websites dedicated to independent wrestling in New England close out 2008 with their "Year End Awards." One of the categories on these sites is often "Manager of the Year."

Sometimes people will come up to me backstage at shows and say something like, "Hey, Gorman, how come you didn't get Manager of the Year on www.ishouldkillmyselfwithahammer.com?"

Because I don't suck.

How's that for an answer?

I never win these so-called "awards." Typically, I'll come in second or third place, which proves that they are totally bogus.

I'll even do you one better...

The fact that the category isn't named after me proves that these awards are totally bogus. The fact that the category isn't called "The Sean Gorman Award for Managerial Excellence" proves that these "awards" are worth absolutely nothing.

Now let's look at some facts about managers in New England as compared to me...

1. No other manager looks better.
2. No other manager has regularly worked for the top promotions in the area.
3. No other manager has regularly worked in main event positions in said promotions.
4. No other manager has managed better talent.
5. No other manager has made more money.
6. No other manager has traveled further.
7. No other manager elicits a better crowd reaction.
8. No other manager is better on the microphone.
9. No other manager has drank more alcohol.
10. No other manager has bedded more attractive women.

Some other managers somewhere might have me beat in one or two of those categories, but all ten?

Forget about it. It's not even close.

And like Mr. Heenan indicated, I'm not bragging because the above statements are 100% true.

So why are other managers beating me in the "Manager of the Year" category?

This is the best I can figure...

From what I can tell when I'm standing in the ring, the percentage of fans in the audience who interact on these websites (i.e. post bulletins etc.) is very low. I'm not saying they're bad fans, I'm just saying that they make up a small minority of the people actually paying for tickets at events.

And those are the people voting.

Well, those people, and, of course, the friends of the nominees voting over and over again.

The point is, it's all a sham.

I don't cater to Internet fans. I'm not an "Internet darling." Nor would I ever waste my time voting for myself on insignificant websites hosting meaningless "awards." I promise you with every ounce of my being that I have better things to do (see statement # 10 above).

Some of the most talented wrestlers in New England have requested that I manage them because they see my intrinsic value. That is an honor to me. It is their opinions that I value—not those of a 25-year-old cashier at Wal-Mart who lives in the poorly ventilated basement of his parent's house.

So *clap clap clap* to the "Manager of the Year" for 2008. It's well deserved.

If the award were given to me, I'd smash it into a million pieces.

Oh, wait, I forgot...

There's no actual, physical award.

More proof that it's all a bunch of crap.