"The Power of Negative Thinking" by Sean Gorman

04/07/10

Lots of people probably don't remember when The Tonight Show was good, but at one point it actually was.

A long time ago, Johnny Carson used to do a bit called Carnac The Magnificent. In the bit, Carson played a zany, omniscient seer who could see into the future. He'd hold a sealed envelope to his head and say something like, "Sis Boom Bah."

Then he'd open the envelope and say, "Describe the sound made when a sheep explodes."

You get the idea.

In the months ahead, Sean Gorman has some big plans for both The Empire and Chaotic Wrestling itself.

Now, I'd be seven types of a fool to reveal what these plans actually are so instead I'll give you some hints in the same way that Carnac The Magnificent might have:

Envelope #1:

A new fuse box for the PAV Club in Lowell.

Answer #1:

Sean Gorman's Christmas gift for The Demon Ortiz's ring entrance.

Envelope #2:

Feta Cheese.

Answer #2:

What the locker room smells like after Alex Arion takes off his wrestling boots.

Envelope #3:

Bifocals.

Answer #3:

Something referee Mike Crockett is in desperate need of.

Envelope #4:

The Moon.

Answer #4:

What revolves around RJ DeLuise.

Envelope #5:

A long walk off a short pier.

Answer #5:

Something the fans of Chaotic Wrestling should take.

Envelope #6:

Totally devastating.

Answer #6:

The newest incarnation of The Empire.

The Great Gorman has spoken.

Sim Sala Bim.