Chaotic Wrestling 25th Anniversary Wrap Up

The year 2000. Rob Thomas and Carlos Santana bemoaned our Smoothness. Beyonce and Destiny’s Child demanded that we say their names. Sisqo pleaded with us to let him see that thong. And Chaotic Wrestling was born!

Saturday, 9/20, Chaotic Nation gathered in Lowell to celebrate. The show opened with an appearance by Chase “Who Runs the Place” Del Monte, who gave a heartfelt thanks to everyone behind and in front of the scenes as well as the Chaotic fans whose support makes Chaotic Wrestling possible! Chase threw it over to Rich Palladino, appearing via video because he was in Texas for Major League Wrestling, or else because all his exes live there. Okay, okay, it was Major League Wrestling.

Chaotic ring attendant Jaleesa was pressed into service as the ring announcer for the evening, and she brought out Sidney Bakabella and John Walters. Walters stunned the crowd by snatching the mic from Bakabella’s hand before Bakabella could really get a good rant going. Walters told Bakabella and everyone watching that he was dissatisfied with Bakabella’s managerial expertise, since, among other things, Bakabella had gotten him a championship match that he lost. Did Walters expect Bakabella to wrestle for him? It’s hard to imagine Bakabella’s wig would survive an entire match intact! Walters was also dissatisfied to be wrestling “a female” in his words.

We can only imagine he was even more upset when Shannon Levangie rolled him up for the pin and the win! Hard to blame Bakabella for that one! Ever the good sport, Walters extended the hand of friendship to maneuver her into a gory bomb. Bakabella entered the ring and pleaded with Walters to leave Shannon alone, and Walters agreed to hug it out with Bakabella before punching him in the face and putting him in a submission hold and not releasing him when he tapped out. Fortunately for Bakabella, Armani Kaos came to his rescue! Is this the biggest change in a wrestling manager since Captain Lou Albano briefly got cuddly after appearing in a Cyndi Lauper video? Quite possibly!

Liviyah came out for a pre-match interview with Jaleesa and spoke about how much it meant to her to be a part of the promotion her father still loves to this day before she was interrupted by Kalvin Dumont’s intro music. Kalvin was so jealous he didn’t even bother waiting for Cole Rutherford to pick him up and bring him to the ring. He walked in and took the mic from Livyah, proclaimed that he deserved more attention than her and that he was the star of AMC’s The Walking Dead: Dead City, season 2, episodes 3 and 5. (IMDB disagrees, but what do they know!)

Dumont dominated the first half of the match, and when Livyah started to get the upper hand, Cole Rutherford was there to pull Dumont out of danger. (He also took a big hit at ringside when Dumont used him as a human shield when Livyah dove through the ropes at the two of them.) After the third time Rutherford interfered, referee Brendan Paul had finally had enough, and he ejected Rutherford! Unfortunately for both Livyah and fair play, Dumont went upside Livyah’s head with the Pan-Optic Championship belt while Paul was watching Rutherford exit. Dumont quickly pinned the stunned Livyah, thus retaining both his belt and his reputation as a rich guy who cheated his way to the top. So, you know, a rich guy.

Powers of Influence came out and announced they deserved to be celebrated more than Chaotic Wrestling did. Then the Monarchy emerged, and BMT announced that he and Jamari would be taking them on. The Chaotic Faithful who attend live events (as everyone should) know that one of the most stalwart fans is The Banana Kid. The kid in the banana costume is at every event, usually holding up a sign that says “DWEEB,” or, in this case, “DWEEBS” so as not to exclude either member of Powers of Influence. DJ Powers had the audacity--the unbridled temerity!-- to snatch the sign from The Banana Kid. Queen Ariel and King BMT were not having this, as Ariel knocked them away from The Banana Kid and BMT suicide dived out of the ring and into the two reprobates. Ariel returned the sign to The Banana Kid, who went to join Ariel at ringside as the crowd chanted “Dweebs! Dweebs! Dweebs!” Even the hardest-hearted fan had to have been moved by the display.

The Banana Kid proved a keen student of wrestling chicanery as they came into the ring with a chair, handed it to Zamora and then flopped like a member of the Brazilian national soccer team. BMT and Jamari followed suit, but the ruse did not pay off as Referee Kevin Quinn (Welcome back!) turned around to see three bodies on the floor of the ring and calmly removed the chair and let the match continue. It ended shortly thereafter with Powers of Influence pinning Jamari.

Arcturus defended his New England Championship against fan favorite Patrick Wheatman, and despite Wheatman hulking out (seemingly gaining rage and strength from every slap Arcturus delivered to his sternum until he body slammed the much larger champ not once, not twice, but thrice!), Wheatman could not get the win and Arcturus retained the championship.

A six-person tag team match followed, with TJ Crawford, Dante Drago, and Aaron Rourke taking on The Unit! A vicious and appropriately chaotic match followed, with the question of who was legal in the ring going unanswered for most of the match. Danny Miles kissed Aaron Rourke before punching him in the face (seems like someone needs some lessons on consent! As well as, probably some therapy!), Dunn pinned Rourke, and the bodies hit the floor on the apron as Danny Miles moonsaulted into Drago and Crawford. It was a wild time, people.

Then it was time for a Battle Royale to determine the number one contender for the heavyweight championship. This match featured Sean Vegan Keegan, Armani Kaos, Cole Rutherford, Cash McGuiness, Omar Lacasa, Sister Selena and more! It also saw the return of Paris Van Dale! Kind of! She did commentary during the match and seemed to draw the ire of Cole Rutherford for reasons that were not clear. It looked like Rutherford might win the match when it was down to him and Kaos, but Paris left the broadcast table and gave Rutherford a well deserved shot in the chops, allowing Kaos to take the win and the number one contender spot!

The main event featured Mortar vs. WWE star (and Chaotic alum, natch) Ivar in a battle for the heavyweight championship! Though it must be said that Mortar looked more like a bantamweight next to the gargantuan Ivar. The match involved Mortar taking a really stunning amount of punishment but still managing to kick out of every pin before the three count.

Just when it looked like Mortar was gaining some momentum, Chase Del Monte appeared and held him back. And then kicked him right in the hod carriers! While Mortar curled up in pain, the ref called the match due to interference, but the chaos was just beginning, as what followed was a battle for and of the ages! Brian Milonas! Bryan Logan! Brian Fury! JT Dunn! Everyone was mixing it up, with Logan even somersaulting off the top rope into the crowd! And he’s retired! Can your grandma do that?

Eventually Mortar grabbed the mic and said he was a guy named Jason who “played” Mortar. He thanked Ivar for his inspiration and thanked Chaotic Wrestling for being awesome. Ivar, aka Handsome Johnny, aka Todd entered the ring, hugged the other wrestlers and professed his love for both Chaotic and Mortar Kayfabe was broken but our hearts were full.

Here’s to another 25 years!