Chaotic Wrestling: In Deep Water Wrap Up

If you missed In Deep Water on August 22 at the Sons and Daughters of Italy hall in Watertown, MA, you missed a real barn-burner of a show! But fear not! We’ve got all the details here to keep you abreast of some truly wild developments in the CWU. (Chaotic Wrestling Universe, natch!)

The night began with the GGC (Milo, Jariel, and Sister Selena) versus the Monarchy (BMT, Ariel, and Prince Jamari, now sporting official Monarchy gear!) The Chaotic faithful found themselves in the uncomfortable position of cheering on The Monarchy, but, as the old saying goes, the enemy of the evil wrestling cult is my friend! Both teams bickered among themselves, and it looked for a minute like Milo and Jariel might actually come to blows. Jamari seized the opportunity to kick Jariel into Milo, and he and BMT pinned Milo for the win while referee Brendan Paul looked on, apparently as confused about who the legal man was as the rest of us!

Sean Vegan Keegan then entered the ring accompanied by new friend/accomplice Luke “SoyBoy” Varnas. Keegan gave an explanation of why he has turned against Seabass Finn which amounted to “I’m jealous of him for getting more attention than me.” Seabass came out to apologize for being heedless of Keegan’s feelings, and, as a gesture of goodwill, set him up with a New England Championship match against Trigga The OG. Be careful what you wish for, folks! Trigga beat Keegan and retained the belt!

But all was not well in Triggaville as the GGC, this time with Arcturus in full shoulder pad regalia, emerged and had Selena and Jariel tie Trigga up on the ropes. Arcturus ordered Milo to get a chair and hit Trigga with it. Milo dithered and looked like he might give Arcturus the chair shot across the back that the crowd was howling for, but instead he threw the chair down in disgust, then took a shot to the face from Trigga for his trouble! At long last Danny Miles and JT Dunn arrived to help their Unit comrade and order was restored, just like when Fortinbras became king of Denmark!

The Mecca emerged wearing his own little baby blue flag as a cape and proceeded to jaw at the audience. He was accompanied by newcomer Cash McGuiness, and he seemed to have nearly as much contempt for Cash as he did for the crowd! Even still, Cash provided some illegal assistance in Mecca’s match against Armani Kaos, pulling Mecca out of a pin before being chased away from ringside by head of security LS Bartano, whose face was obscured by his “Boba Fett but with a yellow mohawk” helmet. Mecca inexplicably untied the turnbuckle, then got flattened when Kaos hit him in the face with his butt (not a typo. You really have to see it to believe it), and Armani Kaos took the match. But, in a display of poor sportsmanship we hadn’t seen the likes of in fifteen full minutes, Mecca took him out at the knee. Cash re-emerged to stomp Kaos, but then head of security LS---wait a second! It was actually Shannon Levangie behind the punk Boba Fett helmet the whole time! Anyway, Shannon flew from the top rope to flatten Mecca and Cash.

Then it was time for The Unit to take on Powers of Influence. The teams were pretty evenly matched until Powers of Influence threw Danny Miles into a barricade, temporarily taking him out of the action. JT Dunn acquitted himself well in the one-on-two match until Zamora hit him in the face with his own championship belt! Miles re-entered the ring, whacked DJ Powers in the head with a championship belt, and earned The Unit a disqualification from eagle-eyed ref LJ Childress. The title can’t change hands on a DQ, folks, so The Unit are still champs. Also Danny Miles grabbed a crutch wrapped in barbed wire from under the ring (really amazing what kinds of things you can find under a wrestling ring!) and scared off Powers of Influence. JT Dunn announced that the return of the crutch means we’re entering a new era of violence. Then he had the crowd sing happy birthday to his infant son! So, you know, violence, but with a soft heart!

After a much-needed intermission, during which the crowd could finally catch their collective breath, it was time for John Walters, accompanied by Sidney Bakabella, to take on Seabass Finn. Bakabella grabbed the mic and began his usual rant about what a dump of a town he found himself in and how he’s a former WWF Hall of Famer. (Side note--given the dubious character of many folks who are actually in the WWF/WWE Hall of Fame, one wonders what kind of atrocities one has to commit to be kicked out of it) The crowd called for Bakabella’s wig to be snatched, but alas, it was not to be, and the match began. (Side note 2--some in the crowd complained that they couldn’t tell John Walters apart from Mecca. Here’s a quick key! Is the bald bearded guy talking? That’s Mecca! Is Sidney Bakabella talking? Then the bald bearded guy is John Walters! We hope that helps! And God help us all if they ever face each other!)

Bakabella spent most of the match jawing with the fans and so did not have time to provide his customary interference until late in the match. He earned himself a Boston Crab from Seabass for his trouble, and Seabass was about to put Walters away when a pair of hands that did not belong to Bakabella emerged from below the ring (Didn’t we say you never know what you’re going to find under there?) and grabbed Seabass’s ankle, allowing Walters to take the match! Talk about an underhanded move!

One of those hands was sporting a bracelet that looked…familiar. Like perhaps we’d seen it earlier in the evening.

Then it was time for Pan Optic champion Kalvin Dumont to defend his title against newcomer Patrick Wheatman. The match began with some sort of dance off in which Dumont showed off some terrible dance moves and Wheatman kept just holding his hands over his head and shouting, “Wheatman!” The crowd chose Wheatman over Dumont, which should give you an idea of just how putrid Dumont’s dance moves are. Dumont took the win despite having been hoisted by his feet and spun around the ring multiple times by the shockingly strong Wheatman.

And then it was main event time with Mortar defending the heavyweight championship against Ricky Smokes, who was accompanied to the ring by the execrable Richard Holliday. Holliday kept yelling at Ricky to “do what we talked about,” but Ricky seemed determined to fight his own match, coming very close to earning a win by submission before Mortar drew on his reserve tank of strength, broke the hold, and won the match. Mortar then called on Ricky to squash their beef. This didn’t sit well with Holliday, who ran into the ring to stomp Mortar’s head before yelling at Ricky to do what they talked about. Just as Holliday was gearing up to give Mortar his signature crotch shot, Smokes threw him to the mat, then held him for Mortar to launch a cutter from the top rope!

Hands and barbed wire crutches under the ring! Ricky Smokes showing a shred of decency! Chaotic security actually doing something! Could this night get any stranger?

Yes! As the crowd spilled into the Watertown night, Mecca was there sporting a Eagles jersey and ranting about how he wanted to fight Shannon Levangie. Like we said, be careful what you wish for, folks, because Shannon appeared atop a 12-foot panel truck and launched herself into the air, flattening Mecca and various members of his posse on the ground below!

It was eleven PM, and the Chaotic Faithful were left to wrestle with the problem of how to go to sleep with more adrenaline than blood in their veins.

Join us on Thursday August 29 as Greater Boston’s Greatest Live Entertainment Value descends on Night Shift Brewing in Everett MA!