Charged Up Wrap Up

Charged Up began in suitably chaotic fashion as Rich Palladino was MIA (are you even allowed to have a wrestling show in New England without him?) Though Jaleesa has acquitted herself well in the ring announcer role in the past, she too was unavailable, and so next in the line of succession apparently was The Big Cheese!

The first match was Omar La Casa vs. Trigga the OG. The always entertaining La Casa performed his signature nonconsensual lap dance a few times, but this time his hips did not lie and gave him the strength to powerslam the wily veteran and get the pin!

Cheese had some trouble finding the card on his phone and was taunted by young fans. “Put your phone away!” they yelled. This ain’t your homeroom, kids!

Without too much more delay, we had Shannon Levangie (announced by The Big Cheese as “Shannon Lasagna”) versus Livyah. Shannon’s bestie Paris Van Dale was at ringside, and at first glance the pairing of Chaotic’s high-flying good sport and the formerly devious Paris seems a bit odd, but Paris has mended her cheating ways. Or has she? It was a tough match that featured Shannon showing off some bridge and wheel poses that would surely make her yoga instructor proud. When Livyah threw Shannon from the ring, Paris bought her bestie some much-needed recovery time by talking trash at Livyah; perhaps Paris really has turned over a new leaf and will only support her friend within the rules! Or perhaps not! When Shannon had Livyah in an arm bar, Livyah hooked her foot on the rope to break the hold… but had her foot removed from the ropes by Paris while the normally alert and perspicacious referee Brendan Paul was distracted! This gave Livyah no choice but to tap out. There’s the Paris we know and love! Livyah jawed at both besties after the match and Paris feigned innocence with the practiced skill of someone who got in a lot of trouble in school while Shannon’s innocence was unfeigned. What will Shannon make of her pal cheating on her behalf when she watches the replay?

Next up, Chaotic Hall of Famer Mark “Mighty Mini” Bourne came out. He teased the idea of a return to the ring but then allowed as how no doctor in New England would clear him to compete. He left the mic and his boots in the center of the ring as a poignant symbol of his retirement that everyone in the building had to respect. Just kidding! Coach Cashew came out to call the retired Hall of Famer a coward. Mini flattened Cashew with a shot to the face that was definitely maxi, but his exit was blocked by the always jolly Tyree Taylor, who tossed Mini back into the ring. Mini was able to fight off both Cashew and Taylor by using his discarded boots as a weapon, but ultimately the Big Cheese, the refs, and a member of the crew had to come out to stop Taylor from murdering Mighty Mini, who ultimately left the ring under his own power and limped backstage.

The Big Cheese then announced a tag team match between the Mog Squad (sadly unrelated to the late, lamented mog.com, where music geeks used to congregate in the early 2000s) and the Breadwinners. The Mog Squad consisted of the Rivera formerly known as Jariel (now going by Santi) and, making his Chaotic debut, Jacari Ball, a man so muscular he makes Rivera look like Cash McGuinness. McGuinness emerged with “White Boy of the Year” t-shirts hanging from his waist in the front and back, and Wheatman emerged with a little Wheatman in his pants. During the intros, Rivera grabbed a White Boy of the Year Shirt and threw it from the ring, but fortunately McGuinness had another one. That’s why you always carry two! Despite the fact that they were physically smaller and less experienced and did not have thighs like tree trunks, and the fact that the Vegan Society came out during the match in an attempt to menace them, the Breadwinners somehow managed to pull out the surprise victory!

Next up was a New England Championship match between champ Milo Mirra and challenger BMT (announced by the Cheese as BLT). Once BMT hit the ring, Ariel came out with a bandaged and bruised Prince Jamari (do we know how he came by his injuries?  We do not! Do we know the identity of the Easter Bunny that bedeviled the monarchy through 3 different events? Again, we do not! They are a faction awash in mystery!). Ariel announced that she was leaving to take care of Jamari and wished BMT luck. BMT made some sad noises about how they had been at every match together for 20 years and looked so forlorn we almost pitied him. Almost! He tried to chain and padlock Mirra’s pogo stick to the corner post but couldn’t seem to master the padlock mechanism (this is why you don’t send a king to do a steward’s job!) and eventually hid the pogo stick backstage. But Mirra had another-- that’s why you always carry two! Mirra came out with a different pogo stick and vaulted his way to victory over the sad king, who was left in the ring to wonder how it all went wrong.

Next up, a Tag Team Championship match with the Vegan Society facing Kalvin Dumont and Godrick (who, it should be pointed out, was wearing tights with “Dumont” on the back and piece of tape that said “Godrick” on the front). Godrick and Dumont showed some surprising teamwork and acquitted themselves well—perhaps too well, as they didn’t cheat as much as the Vegan Society. The Breadwinners came out to get some payback against the Vegan Society, which they did by snatching the title belts before the Vegan Society could use them as weapons, but the assist wasn’t enough to put Godrick and Dumont over the top, and The Vegan Society retained the championship. Also referee Brendan Paul got distracted at one point, allowing the Vegan Society to stomp Godrick behind his back, which seems worth mentioning because it almost never happens! Except when there’s a wrestling match going on!

The main event was for the Skinnyweight Championship and featured returning Chaotic vet Elia Markopolous versus the skinny legend himself, Armani Kayos. Markopolous emerged in a sequined robe that may or may not have been designed by Bob Mackie but which would surely not be out of place in Cher’s wardrobe. Kayos emerged in a puffer vest which seemed seasonally inappropriate, but whatever works for the champ is okay with us! The Chaotic faithful greeted Markopolous with jeers rather than cheers, and this seemed to really get under his skin but didn’t stop him from targeting Kayos’ leg in tactical and relentless fashion.

Kayos managed to escape from two figure four leglocks, and then Markopolous tossed referee LJ Childress into Kayos, taking him out of action and necessitating the return of Brendan Paul. Shortly thereafter, Markopolous rolled up Kayos, grabbing the tights illegally outside the view of Brendan Paul, thus claiming the championship!

But LJ Childress, who wasn’t even reffing at the time, did see Markopolous cheating (perhaps he can give Brendan Paul some pointers on the whole “actually noticing when someone cheats” part of the job!) and he insisted that the match be restarted. From there it took only seconds for Kayos to pin Markopolous and retain the championship.

After a few minutes, Kayos and Markopolous shook hands, and then Cashew and Taylor re-emerged to cause trouble but were quickly dispatched by Kayos and Markopolous.

Who will be working the ring announcing mic next time? Will Taylor get another title shot? Will Shannon and Paris still be besties when Shannon learns about Paris’ underhanded assistance? Is the Easter Bunny retired until next year? What happened to Jamari? Will the simmering feud between the Breadwinners and the Vegan Society boil over? Will Brendan Paul ever see someone cheating?

We’ve got questions. Fortunately we’ve got a lot of Chaotic events this summer. See you in Everett on Thursday June 11 for Summer of Slams II!