Cold Fury 24 Wrap Up

Cold Fury and the Oscars in the same weekend?  It was a real bonanza for fans of flashy costumes!

Cold Fury kicked off with a Pan-Optic Championship match. Challenger and International Pop Sensation B3CCA emerged, sing-rapping her own intro music (and...may we suggest a collab with Max Miller or another hitmaking Swede?) to face champ Shannon Levangie, who was accompanied by Paris Van Dale.

B3CCA and everyone else watching was waiting for Paris to interfere in the match, but she seemed to just be there as a supportive friend, which, let’s face it, is not a role the Chaotic faithful are used to seeing her in. B3CCA dominated early, looking like she would make quick work of the Panoptic champ. But Shannon is nothing if not relentless (it’s in her entrance music and on her headbands!),and she was able to come back and get B3CCA to tap out with a nasty submission hold!

Next up, the Tag Team Championship, with the Vegan Society taking on The Shooter Boys! Tofu “Seabass Finn” Block seemed as surly as usual to be part of this team, Soy Boy Luke Varnas was on hand to enact nefarious shenanigans, and Sean Vegan Keegan was there to espouse his philosophy of kindness to animals and extralegal cruelty to his opponents. (Does he contradict himself? He is large, he contains multitudes!)

Referee L.J. Childress wound up tossing Soy Boy from the match, which, given his history, should probably have been done proactively at the beginning of the match. Tofu Block may not be happy with his name change or his teammate, but he took all his dissatisfaction out on his opponents, even breaking up what looked like a championship-winning sequence when both Shooter Boys were atop Keegan. Keegan gave Tofu Block the championship belt, which Tofu Block refused to use as a weapon. He then literally turned right around and kicked Anthony Vecchio right in his shooter boys. From there, Keegan was able to secure the pin and the championship.

Mike Crockett and “Adult” Mark Beaudry were then inducted into the Chaotic Wrestling Hall of Fame, getting spiffy custom-engraved glass trophies to display in their rec rooms!

Then it was time for another championship—a best 2 out of 3 falls New England championship match between Aaron Rourke and champ Milo Mirra, who have faced off in the last two Chaotic shows (not counting Chaotic After Dark, but what happens at the Huntington Theatre stays at the Huntington Theatre). Rourke was certainly not the same wrestler Chaotic nation had come to know and love—for one thing, he was dressed in ripped, bleach-stained gray jeans. Perhaps his time at WWE Evolve has killed his fashion sense, or perhaps he’s just been away from Sparkle City too long. (Though it must be said he was sporting some sort of forehead gem, so the old Dime Piece was not totally gone).

In any case, there’s no love lost between these two competitors, and the action kicked off in brutal fashion before the bell even rang. Frustrated by his inability to get Mirra down for a 3-count, Rourke sacrificed the first fall, earning a disqualification by hitting Mirra with the championship belt, but then quickly securing a pin immediately thereafter. The competitors were tied at one fall apiece, and Mirra managed to secure the third and decisive fall with two consecutive corkscrews off the middle rope!

Next up, the four vs four Mill City Melee! The Chaotic OG’s, Chase Del Monte and Trigga the OG, emerged with Eddie and Alisha Edwards, with all four members sporting extremely dope custom baseball jerseys with their names emblazoned on the front. JT Dunn, Danny Miles, and 6’5” owner of Cold Fury sponsor M3RK Clan gaming Dakota Daniel then emerged holding garbage can lids (Dunn and Miles) and a can (Daniel) which was more intimidating if less stylish. They were soon joined by Matt Logan, sporting an Irish flag Punisher Skull shirt, looking like the guy you should avoid after about 11AM on St. Patrick’s Day, who brought the other garbage can!

The match was aptly named, as it quickly devolved into all-out violence. We had competitors hit with chairs, a crutch wrapped in barbed wire, the aforementioned garbage cans and lids, and some corn starch! The OG’s had apparently stashed enough doors under the ring to outfit a small apartment building—unfortunately for them, each member of the OG’s was put through one, and their fate was sealed as Matt Logan pinned Chase Del Monte (were they the legal men at the time? Sure, why not?) and the Unit took the win!

After intermission, it was the Who’s Up Next Battle Royal, with the winner getting a Heavyweight Championship title shot! First off, B3, with the Shooter Boys reclaiming their Bam Bam and Bear Bear personas, accompanied to the ring by B3CCA, who did not sing this time. They were joined by Kalvin Dumont, Godrick, Shizu Kuza (making their Chaotic debut),Bobby Casalle, Omar La Casa, Livyah, Sidney Bakabella, sporting the Andre the Giant style one-shoulder singlet, (!!) crowd favorite (and frequent crowd member) Banana Girl, Cash McGuiness, Patrick Wheatman, DJ Powers, and the Monarchy: Prince Jamari, Queen Ariel, and King BMT, all of whom looked incredibly sharp in white outfits with gold accents!

How did all these people fit in the ring? Barely! But the match did get underway, and folks, it was a wild one. Bakabella slipped on Banana Girl’s peel. DJ Powers gently deposited Banana Girl on the ring apron, then took a slap to the face which he returned with a kick to the midsection, sending Banana Girl to the floor! Ariel and Jamari prevented their elimination with blows to the Breadwinners’ faces, but then apparently BMT didn’t like how they were hugging and celebrating, and he tossed them both out of the ring! (BMT, like Mortar before him, no doubt joined the unenviable category of “Wrestlers who have to sleep on the couch in their own homes”). Eventually it was down to BMT, Powers, and the Breadwinners. The Breadwinners eliminated Powers and made the mistake of turning their backs on BMT, who flipped them both over the top rope and claimed the victory and the title shot!

Next, we got the Big Cheese vs. Jariel Rivera match that we didn’t get at Seeing Red! Rivera’s trunks said “Built By” across his crotch and “Divine Design” on his butt. It was unclear whether these sentiments were meant to be read separately or not. The Big Cheese’s pants, on the other hand, had the straightforward message “OHHHH” across the butt. Cheese put up a solid fight, but in the end his buzz cut was no match for Rivera’s long, curly, distressingly moist locks. Also Rivera won the match!

Then it was time for the main event, a fatal 4-way between Mortar, Tyree Taylor, Mr. Bacon, and the defending champ Armani Kayos! Taylor came out in his weird Jon Snow denim vest, Mortar came out in some kind of fringed poncho and shorts bearing the Puerto Rican and Colombian flags and hoisted a young fan on his shoulders, perhaps signaling the end of his “too big for his britches” era, and Mr. Bacon came out in his now-trademark sweater vest.  And then Kayos emerged, accompanied by three scantily clad young women and Sidney Bakabella (fully clad, fortunately, in white suit and blonde wig).

Mortar tweaked his right ankle early in the match but showed great maneuverability despite the apparent injury and the fact that there was scarcely room in the ring for all four men and their colossal egos. Soon the injury proved to much for him, and security helped him from the ring while Bakabella stood up for sportsmanship (not a phrase we anticipated typing, pretty much ever) and prevented Taylor from going after Mortar while he was down!

And so the fatal 4-way became a triple threat, and Tyree Taylor took the opportunity to abuse both of his remaining opponents and Bakabella for good measure. Kayos fought back valiantly, and then Mr. Bacon grabbed the upper hand, but he didn’t keep it for long as all three competitors took turns grabbing the advantage and absorbing an alarming amount of punishment. Bakabella apparently gave up his short-lived dedication to fair play and threw a fireball into Taylor’s face (we hope he recovers in a less unsightly fashion than referee Brendan Paul did from the same trick!). Mr. Bacon took advantage of Taylor’s ensuing absence from the ring by beating the stuffing out of Kayos with a folding chair. It looked like Mr. Bacon would be the new champ, but then Mortar came hobbling back into the ring! Mortar managed to dispense with Mr. Bacon but then had nothing left in the tank, and Kayos got the pin and the win, remaining Heavyweight Champion!

Chaotic nation will need some time to recover, Mortar looks like he’ll need some physical therapy, and Bakabella will probably need a new identity to escape Taylor’s payback. Another fantastic Cold Fury in the books!