Hellbound Wrap Up

Ah, fall in New England. Cider donuts! Apple picking! Foliage! And, of course, moonsaults, suicide dives, suplexes and Whacking People With Things Found Under The Ring! Yep, it was Chaotic Wrestling’s Hellbound at the Sons of Italy in Watertown, MA, and, folks, it was a wild show.

Actually it was wild even before the show began, as a fan handed Mortar a sign that read “Chase Sits To Pee,” which he gleefully held up while Chase did his pre-show walkthrough of the venue. Chase did not take kindly to this and had security remove Mortar while the crowd chanted “Chase Sits To Pee.”

“We are not making this a thing,” Chase said. Spoiler alert: we made it a thing.

And then the event began! We opened with Seabass Finn, clad in fabulous but perhaps less than fully functional pink hunting camo (and, inexplicably, mismatched shoes), faced off against Patrick Wheatman, wearing his usual WHEATMAN pants and a sleeveless purple denim vest that really evoked The Incredible Hulk. (We know, we know, Hulk’s pants are purple. We’re talking about a mood here, not an exact simulacrum!)

Wheatman also evoked the Hulk’s eloquence in his vocalizations, which consisted entirely of him raising his hands above his head and saying “Wheatman!” (Is this some sort of syndrome? Should he be studied?) The match was fairly even, as Seabass’ technique and experience proved a match for Wheatman’s size and prodigious strength. But then a hand emerged from below the ring at a critical moment, grabbing Seabass’ ankle and providing the delay and distraction that allowed Wheatman to get the win!

Determined to get to the bottom of the Mystery of The Grabbing Hand, Seabass went fishing under the ring and hooked…Soy Boy! We always say you never know what you might find under a wrestling ring! Seabass gave Soy Boy a well deserved beatdown, and the night continued!

Next up were two beat the clock triple threat matches, the winner of which would get an advantage at the all out ladder match for the tag team title at Breaking Point in Lowell next month! The first match gave us Jose Zamora vs. Prince Jamari vs. Danny Miles. Zamora was characteristically insufferable, proclaiming to any who would listen that he was the first ever miked up wrestler. Miniscule if true! Miles and Jamari beat on Zamora for a while until it became every man for himself. Shockingly, the perpetually damp and spray-tanned DJ Powers ran out to interfere in the match, which allowed Zamora to take the win!

Powers of Influence abused Jamari while Queen Ariel, at ringside, yelled a lot but did not interfere, which is simply not like her at all. Fortunately for Jamari, BMT came out to break it up. And then JT Dunn came out, Zamora left the ring, and match two began. This one featured a positively balletic sequence as the three wrestlers took turns running into the ring as one of their competitors dived through the ropes to find nobody home. You know those segments of Scooby-Doo when the bad guy chases Scooby and Shaggy through a series of doors? It was like that!

But there was a lot of action both inside and outside the ring in this one, and just as JT Dunn was about to finish off DJ Powers with Death By Elbow, Zamora appeared at ringside to grab him, allowing the clock to run out and ensuring a Powers of Influence victory! A chaotic Chaotic melee ensued as Danny Miles and Jamari re-emerged, and the whole thing culminated in Jamari setting up a ladder he found under the ring (what do we always say?) and flipping onto the entire crowd in the ring!

Rich Palladino introduced new-to-Chaotic former MMA fighter Bobby Casale, but before much of an interview could happen, Kalvin Dumont’s music began and Dumont and Cole Rutherford emerged. Rutherford had one arm in a sling and couldn’t carry Dumont, but his mouth worked fine, so he challenged Casale to a match for the PanOptic Championship on Dumont’s behalf. Dumont looked less than thrilled to be taking on the frighteningly jacked Casale, but Rutherford had brought some MMA protective gear. Kalvin was more hindered than helped by the helmet that kept falling over his eyes, but he was more helped than hindered by Cole Rutherford, who even with one arm was able to distract Brendan Paul enough to allow Kalvin to pick up the championship belt. Paul took the belt away, but then Kalvin shoved Casale into the belt, knocking him flat and allowing Kalvin to retain the PanOptic Championship!

(Note to Chaotic Management: these belts seem to render people unconscious very easily—perhaps they could be outfitted with some safety padding?)

Riddle: what do you call a cult leader with no followers? Answer: Arcturus! He was next on the card, facing crowd favorite Shannon Levangie, who, lest we forget, had vanquished the much larger opponent once before. It was not to be on this night, however. While Shannon did manage to get a few good shots in, Arcturus absolutely dominated the match. After he took the win, he looked poised to administer some career-ending damage to the supine Levangie (in front of her mother! Have you no sense of decency, man?) when Milo Mirra ran out to stop him and challenge him to a New England Championship match at Breaking Point!

And then Brad Cashew came out, presumably after summering on the Vineyard, because he looked extremely preppy in his turquoise pants. He demanded an apology from broadcaster/former Chaotic Heavyweight Champ Julian Starr for Starr giving him a much-deserved shot to the face at the last event. Starr came out to apologize, and Cashew brought out Cash McGuinness to judge the quality of Starr’s apology. To our ears, Starr’s apology sounded genuine, but McGuinness pronounced it “mid.” (Keen-eyed observers noted the visible waistband of McGuiness’ underwear read NEILK NIVLAC, which begs the question of why Cashew was relying on the judgment of a man who can’t put his underwear on right side out.)

The apology quickly turned to a physical altercation that culminated in Cashew giving Starr a chair shot to the head, a move so dastardly even the moral vacuum known as Vince McMahon banned it! The two will be settling their differences at Breaking Point, but fear not! Cashew will definitely find something to complain about no matter what happens!

Aaron Rourke managed to escape from Orlando and return to Watertown for a match against Sean “Vegan” Keegan. Observant fans noticed Tyree Taylor, not wearing the chain he threw away at the last event but still clad in his trademark scowl, watching from the audience. There were a few momentum shifts, and things seemed to be going Rourke’s way until he had a dazed Keegan up against the barricades right in front of Taylor. Rourke went in for a high kick, Keegan ducked out of the way, and Rourke wound up giving Taylor a taste of his boot, thereby further angering a man who was pretty grumpy to begin with. (Only grumpy? He must have been having a good night!)

While Rourke attempted to negotiate with Taylor in the audience, Sea Bass came into the ring and began pummeling Keegan, who had just made it back in! Rourke returned, chided Sea Bass for interfering, and got grabbed by Keegan, who hit him with the piledriver into the mat, taking the pin and the win! Seabass came back to ruin Keegan’s celebration by pummeling him some more, but then Tyree Taylor entered the ring and broke it up. He offered Sea Bass a hand up and then laid him out with a sucker punch to the head. He then got Keegan into piledriver position before apparently thinking better of it and walking away.

Main event time! Donovan Dijak and Chase Del Monte were scheduled to compete against Armani Kayos and Mortar, but Del Monte announced, after once again defending himself against charges of sitting to pee (“That was once, and it was for comfort! And what were you weirdos doing in my bathroom anyway!?”), he announced that it would be a handicap match with him and Dijak against Kayos, with Kayos’ manager, the now-popular Sidney Bakabella, safely at the broadcast table where he could not accomplish any ringside interference.

Del Monte and Dijak abused Kayos for several minutes, and with the match being two against one, the biggest question was not which team would win, but whether Del Monte and Dijak could refrain from killing each other long enough to dispatch Kayos.

But then the lights went out, and when they came back on, Mortar was in the ring, looking stylish in a Mortar t-shirt, jeans and Tims! He and Kayos chucked Del Monte and Dijak out of the Ring, and what had been a wrestling match devolved (or evolved, depending on your perspective) into a brawl. Somehow order was re-established, and for a few minutes it looked like a regular tag team match. But then Mortar threw Dijak over the barricades, clearing out an entire section of fans.

While Mortar dealt with Dijak in the area that once held seats, Del Monte pinned Kayos in the ring. Mortar came back to confront Del Monte and earned a Cradle to the Grave onto his head on the ring apron for his trouble.

It was a wild, wild night. We saw hands under the ring, shots to the head, and a boss who’s jealous of a younger employee’s success and wants to claim it as his own! Where else can you see that dynamic at play, except at every job ever?

We kid, we kid. It was a top-notch evening of athletic entertainment, and while evil was mostly triumphant this evening, there’s always next time! Breaking Point in Lowell on November 14^th!